The fine line between a Stranger and a Friend

I have forgotten how much I enjoy making friends. Today I'm reminded that the line between a "stranger" and a "friend" is very fine. And it doesn't take much from us at all. Just a simple hello ~ or a Yakult.

That's how I made a new friend today. 

I was shopping at Holland Village on my day off. I bought some dresses from a shop. As I was making my payment, the shop owner said, "I'm Dorothy." I said, "I'm Pam." And just like that, a friendship was born. 

As I was walking home after dinner with my parents, I heard someone call out from behind, "Pam!" I spun round and there was Dorothy, bounding out of 7-Eleven with a pack of Yakult.

"I wanted to buy one, but they only sell it in a pack," she said, as she twisted one from the pack and handed it to me. I took the Yakult from her, and we strolled back to her shop together. 

Dorothy's (shop) neighbour joined us as he was having his dinner. Her colleague Ying Ying as well. And there we were - all four of us - chatting & laughing around the table like we'd known each other for years. 

In the midst of conversation, it struck me how often I've walked past that row of shops, never pausing to think that there's a little "community" of business owners here. Each with a story. Each with a passion, pursued. Each, a person.  

I left there over an hour later with a spring in my step. A little confused. A little amused. But greatly inspired by the simplicity of how a friendship can begin ~ with anyone. 

And just like that, today turned out to be a day out of the ordinary for me. Because I'm reminded that there are absolutely no limits to whom I choose to extend a bridge of friendship to. 

Giving Thanks @ Christmas!

For me, Christmas is like Thanksgiving ~ partly cos we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. 

And when I think back on 2008, I truly thank God for Vanilla. 

For the amazing team I had the privilege to work with, who poured their heart & soul into a magazine that was definitely more than a magazine...

 

The Vanilla team at our farewell dinner ~ minus Shaan who was out of town & clueless.

For the awesome Vanilla cover girls I got to meet & know, and who continue to inspire me with their lives... I'm thankful for the deep friendships we have formed. 

For Fongfan, Jennifer & Joel - our creative team - who gave Vanilla its look. The 200 per cent they poured into each issue & the standard of excellence they set. 

More so, they've become treasured friends in my life. 

For our readers & supporters who flood our mailbox with letters each month ~ who inspire us with their sharings! How many magazines can boast of readers like ours??? 

Our magazine may no longer be in the market, but the spirit of Vanilla lives on. And I'm thankful for this online community that continues to keep the Vanilla essence alive. 

So THANK YOU for blessing my life. You have enriched it and made me better for it. Here's wishing all of you a blessed & love-filled Christmas!!! 

 

unofficial post

Something short and just a trial post before resting.

Firstly thank you Threez for letting me write here and it looks so easy as compared to years ago.
2ndly welcome to the blog Lynne! (does any1 remember lynne?)

To me this blog serves as a reminder that although vanilla is not in the market now, it is a legend and if anyone is reading this and wants to pass it on pls do. This is a living legend and it will be for a very long time.

Off to rest.
D!

Letting Go

At this juncture in my life, 

I finally feel ready to LET GO of something I've been hanging on to for far too long, 

something that is clearly going nowhere. 

Yet there is uncertainty about whether I'm making the right decision ~ for everyone.

Is it enough to listen to my heart and trust my instincts? 

Is there such a thing as a "right" and "wrong" decision? 

If so, will I ever know if I've made the "right" one for everyone? 

Things are as simple or as complicated as we make them out to be. 

Maybe it's a matter of making a decision. 

Then beginning the process of letting go? 

 

Little Ripples of Love

Now that I'm with a news station and face the news everyday, I am beginning to see the big picture unfold over time. I've never been so in touch with world & local news before (didn't bother), and really, I must say it's making me feel down.

It's like this dark cloud hanging over everyone. I have friends who are breadwinners, just waiting for their turn to be axed. I have friends in entertainment whose work is affected because there are just less people going out, less tourists coming in.

Like Karen, I worry for my dad who travels to India several times a year (again this month), and thinks we are over-reacting when we tell him it's dangerous. There's just so much fear & uncertainty. And it's not just in Singapore but around the world.

Then recently, Ros & Yu Seung invited me to a presentation of their Enduro Africa trip. It was held at Eden Sanctuary ~ a simple gathering where they shared a slide show with friends & sponsors and thanked everyone. And as I was sitting there listening to them and soaking it in, I felt my heart swell. Here's positive energy for a change. Good news.

Hai-Yen came later, and it was great to see her! We stayed on to watch the video again, catch up, and just hang out till way after the event was over. Hai-Yen is still at it, by the way... the big-hearted energiser bunny who simply can't sit still.

Me with Hai-Yen (yellow) and Ros at the Enduro Africa post-event presentation @ Eden Sanctuary.

She is organising the All-Femme Boot Camp again early next year (postponed because of BKK's unstable situation), at Lao Liang Island. Last year, she brought a bunch of girls from the Andrew & Grace Home up to Krabi for the Airport Run. What an experience it must have been for the girls!

And Hai-Yen is still very much in touch with the girls from AG Home. Just last week, when Val & Kheng's teen musical "It' My Life!" started playing at the University Cultural Centre, Hai-Yen helped to rally the Vanilla cover girls to sponsor the AG Home girls tickets to watch the play. Well, the response was wonderful, and these are the girls we sponsored to go....

The Vanilla cover girls & friends sponsored all these teenage girls from Andrew & Grace Home to watch the musical "It's My Life!" that Val & Kheng Hua produced. 

These things make my heart do a happy dance. Because nothing in these depressing times is going to stop our Vanilla girls from creating little ripples of love in their corners of the world.

For Better or Worse, For Here or There

this is a long post. very sorry. but i think it's something we feel sometimes, esp with those we love.

Swee Chong got home on Monday morning, safe, hungry, and full of bangles for the girls. i would show a photo of him but...i donno how to do leh...

Swee Chong is not only an excellent obs/gyn consultant, he also researches into cervical cancer. he's travelled to all parts of the world, either with KK Hospital (where he works) or by invitation from WHO. he's lectured and performed operations in South America, India and villages in China, as well as in Europe. i give general continents cos i can't remember all the cities, haha, never mind that it's my job to remember things.

but that night, i was furious when he said that he was invited to Tanzania (over Chinese New Year, mind you) to speak. i got furiouser and furiouser (apologies to Lewis Carroll) when he said that Tanzania was actually quite safe, WHO had assured him, etc etc.

you know what came next: how do you really know it's safe? have you been Tanzania? people would say Mumbai was safe too, but is it now? Bangkok? America? Bali? how do you know? how will you ever know? why do you have to do this??

and of course he does it because he has to, it's in his blood and his heart. i am a little angry still cos i know he will go ahead with his plans (Type A, ACS, eldest son, Teochew, conservative Bible-Presbytarian...do i stand a chance?). and i am a little angry cos i understand his decision, and i hate that!! haha. 

how will we ever know? we never will, until it's done, and it's wonderful, or it's done, and it's too late. he's not a soldier going to Timor Leste, but because of the madness the world has taken on, he's become a soldier in a different type of war, where bringing change to people struck by poverty and sickness, could well bring danger to himself.

but before i drown in the unknown, i must float on what i do know. 

in 2003, when SARS struck, Chong was the only KK doctor who volunteered to work at the obs/gyn ward in Tan Tock Seng. he was paired with another doctor who went unwillingly, some of them weeping. for about 3 weeks, our home was a battle zone, with him stripping of his clothes at the door and all of us being incredibly careful. his own colleagues were shocked at his decision, some even telling me that i can't know what SARS is, else i wouldn't have let him go. as i write this, i am full of angry tears still.

this is the man i married. i married him for a great number of other reasons, but this amazing, humble, fearless side came up only after. he has proven again and again that the work he believes in produces the results that he wants - greater awareness of cervical cancer, better health care, more living women.

other doctors weep and feel sorry for themselves, and protect themselves first; Chong doesn't have time to do that. i married him for better or for worse, in sickness and health, til death we part. Africa is nothing compared to what i feel for him. i still don't want him to go, but i won't stop him.

i hope you all support me in this too.

thank you for reading this. 

much love.

Stop the World

i got a call from my friend Serene this evening. i rarely get to speak to her, mainly because i hate talking on the phone. but tonight, i was reading at a book launch, i'd just done my bit, and the phone rang, and i picked up.

she burst into tears the minute she said Hello, and told me that the Singaporean woman who had been held hostage in Mumbai was her husband's colleague...and she was dead. her husband had just identified her body. 

i was at Klee in Portsdown Road, and it was a beautiful evening (did anyone else notice?). there were already stars in the sky, yet the sun hadn't completely set. everyone had been complaining about how hot it was, how humid and sticky. there was a pomelo tree, with some fruit, and everyone had taken turns to joke about how they were going to steal them. Portsdown Road has some really gorgeous flora and fauna.

and still, a woman whom we were assured was safe, is dead.

with my heart sinking a bit lower than in the morning, i messaged my husband Swee Chong to come home immediately. he is now in Hyderabad, and had arrived there an hour or 2 after Mumbai was attacked. he messaged that the next flight out was Sunday morning, he may as well stick to his schedule and return Monday morning. he had a direct flight, don't worry, he won't pass through Mumbai at all, he loved me.

my husband is there because the WHO arranged for him to give a lecture on cervical cancer, his sub-specialty. he's not American or British, he's not in Mumbai or Afghanistan or Iraq or Israel or even Bangkok. he's certainly not near any Somalian pirates. but he's not safe at home with me. what that poor woman's husband is thinking and feeling now...i pray for him, i can only do that.

my definition of home has suddenly changed, because the world is no longer what i had grown up believing it was. my children will not know the sense of freedom and quiet that i had, just as i don't know the upheaval in my parents' young lives. i suddenly feel unable to keep my promise to protect my girls from harm, to be there every time they're hurt, or even to just be there. it's difficult because i don't know what the world will do next.

i can only remind myself daily of what i must be, and do, to continue relationships i have with those around me, and to continue to remember them in prayer, and to tell each one, often, that i care for them. 

thank you for starting this blog. there may not be hundreds of entries every day, but reading each one, i remember that we all lead special individual lives, and we press on, not because we're women (though we do that quite well...), or "survivors", but because we're people who know that we can do so much more, and better, and to make a difference in others' lives.

and let's spare a quiet minute for that husband who's been left behind.

Because I wanna...

...thank the designer girls-- Jenn and Lindy-- for making me this graduation (not goodbye; so clever) card for me. Sweet, a little bit crazy at times, these two.

This is them, sweet:

Alvin took this pic for us btw. But after it's all done, Jenn came to me and said, "Eh, how come you never take with Alvin ah?" And I went, "Er...Yah hor. But never mind lah, Alvin's cool one. He won't mind! Hahaha..." That's Lindy on the left holding on to Mr Nagoya (?) and Jenn on the right holding on to the paper bag, the inspiration for the cover of the card (see the cutout?)! Very creative indeed... and it matches Lindy's pinafore too.

This is 'em a little...ku-ku (if you can make out what they've written, you'll see why):



Yep, I just bid adieu to 15 awesome months in MC today. As for the answer to the question "Where am I heading to next?", let's just say that I'm officially going out of style and getting into shape :)

Anyway, I refuse to call this a farewell you guys cos I know we'll all still meet somewhere somehow... there's also Alvin's and Shaan's weddings, there's FB and you know where to find me. Many thanks to all of you who've been good to me!

"We won't say our goodbye because it's better that way/ we won't break, we won't die, it's just a moment of change."

How Life Looks from the Vantage Point that is 41

I turned 41 yesterday.

It was fun - yeah I'm still nursing a crazy-painful tum from a bad bout of gastric flu last week, but Hubby and I still managed to down 2 bottles of Taittinger at the Town champagne brunch yesterday *hic*.  I came home and my sweet mom-in-law bought me a chocolate cake from Cedele and my kids sang Happy Birthday to Mummeee. Happy :)

So I'm 41. That's 1 year older than last year. So many things I said I was going to do when I turned 40... Didn't do many of them. Sad. 

Will this year be different? I want it to be. I NEED it to be. When you get on the other side of 40 you realise you don't quite have as much time left as you initially thought you had! I have plays to write, books to author, songs to compose, a legacy to leave... so many things, so little time. 

So I'm doing what I do every start of a new year - just doing it a month and a half earlier this time - I'm making a list and checking it twice. I gotta get it done - okay, the list needs to be more realistic, so I can improve my chances of not sitting here writing this SAME message next year, haha!

Still, I am happy with life - God has been really good to me. Last week I watched my two older kids perform. They have a joy in their step that reminds me - when I was 7 or 9, life seemed a piece of cake. I could choose to do this, or that. There was no skill I couldn't master, if I set my mind to it. My father always made me feel like I could do anything if I really tried - and that's the same belief I pray I give to my children. God has given them talents obvious and hidden - and they can write, paint, dance, draw, imagine, invent absolutely anything they desire. The only thing they really have to do is WANT it.

And that's what I'm telling myself now - there's nothing I cannot do this year that I am 41. All I really have to do, is want it. 

I leave you with a (badly filmed) clip of my daughter (that's her with the big pink hairband right in the middle) tap dancing to Boogie Wonderland. I know I'm biaised, but she is REALLY good! 

Hit the Road, Jack

i ran away to KL this past week, and in wanting to recount things, i realised that i no longer have a Vanilla deadline to fill with these thoughts.

oh well. oh blog.

actually, it's always the bus ride to and fro that fill me with the most extreme of feelings. it's incredible how staring out the window, at the vast amount of S P A C E these Melayusians have, the dense forests, the deep greens and brilliant emeralds, the brown cows too lazy to say How Now, the sudden brilliance of hot pink flowers at the top of a tree, with none to be spotted elsewhere...how these scenes give me alternate feelings of happiness, grief, despair and hope.

and if you have an iPod Nano with you (a gift that you unwillingly use because your husband really thought you wanted one, but heck, it's a good thing to have), shuffling songs between Gwen Stefani, The Scissors Sisters, Astrud Gilberto, John Lithgow and Franz Ferdinand, you find your emotions will soar and dip accordingly.

this afternoon, i mostly thought of the year i've had, how high my hopes were, and how quickly and hard they crumbled. how acting, the one thing i can truly say surges in my being, can destroy me. how my daughters are so much like me, and yet, i know they have secret selves that i will never know. how i just want to be a good woman, a good wife, good mother, good friend, and how horribly difficult it can sometimes be.

when Catatonia came on with Make Hay Not War, i wept, thinking of the late Krishen Jit directing me in Iron. he'd asked for a song i wanted to do improvisations with, and i chose this piece. i wept not because of the play and the "great art" i created (cos i didn't) - i wept because i always meant to give him a copy of the song, and i never did, and now he's dead.

when Keane sang The Frog Prince, i played it repeatedly for about 5 times, which i often do when i play it in the car. the poetry, the melody, the yearning and hope to be loved strangely makes my heart jump excitedly each time, and even though the singer was a coke-head when he sang it, it only proves that those of us with great personal problems can still provide some form of comfort and thought (or at the very least, entertainment) for others.

Gwen Stefani's If I Were A Rich Girl got me imagining dancing away with my nutty friends at some nutty club. or at home with my daughters. it's pretty much the same elation actually.

why it is that my life can be reduced to 4.5 hours (including immigration and 20-minute stop at Pagoh) of rubber trees and a crazy mix of music, i can't explain. why it is that sitting still on a reclining seat with the the volume on too loud leads to me wanting to relive some moments, and discard some, is an even greater mystery.

i don't really know why i feel like this, and why i'm blogging it. but i guess it's cos i know you lot will understand, and that makes it alright after all.

"what a difference a day made/24 little hours"

We Heal....

About a month ago, I had a blackout at home. Both circuit-breakers in my fuse box burnt and there was an awful smell in the whole house. And although I managed to get the power back on, I didn't dare switch all the appliances back on because... hey, the circuit-breakers were not working! It was a Saturday night, so until i could get an electrician to check things out the next day, better to be safe than sorry.

In the middle of that night, I stumbled to the kitchen in the dark to get some water. I had forgotten that earlier in the day, my boys had played one of their imagination games and had shifted the coffee table to block the kitchen entrance (I think it was supposed to be a fast-food counter!). Well, I walked right into it. And what's more, with the house in pitch darkness, I walked into that darn table another 2 more times that night, bruising the same spot on my leg 3 times.

Here's my bruise (left leg) to show for it. There's another smaller one - but just as colourful - on my right leg:




Well, life goes on. I didn't do anything about it cos I knew I couldn't rub it, and medication wasn't going to make a real difference. It was probably broken blood vessels inside that would heal in time. So I left it as it was, and went about my daily chores.

Yesterday, I took a day off ~ my first since I started with 938LIVE.

As I was journalling, with my legs crossed, I noticed to my delight and amusement that my beautiful bruise of blues and purples was *poof* ... completely gone. Not a trace.


Such is the miracle: WE HEAL.

Whether we are aware of it or not, time heals all wounds. And God allows that process ever so gradually. Then one day, we wake up and realise that the pain that used to be so intense is no longer there. The memory of it may linger for a while more, but hey, we are OK.

It's true not just for physical bruises. When we bruise emotionally, I think the same thing happens. At the point when the injury was inflicted, the pain is so intense, so excruciating that we think we will never get over it. But we have to keep living, to keep moving forward, because there are other people counting on us. Life has to go on.

And then one day, we wake up and realise that the intense pain is no longer there. The memory may still be there, but what doesn't kill us, has made us stronger. And hey, we are OK.

Vanilla Cover Girls on 938LIVE!

Just to let you know that we're having Rosalind Ng (Feb 08) and hubby Yu Seung on The Living Room tomorrow to share about their Enduro Africa experience! They just got back this week, and I'm sure have loads of tales to tell. I'm looking forward to meeting them and giving voice to their stories once again. *grin*

That's on 938LIVE, 11.10am till 12noon, You can catch the interview via our website too: www.938LIVE.sg.


Just added! Ros & Yu Seung in The Living Room!



Pam posing with Ros & Seung's bikes outside Caldecott Broadcast Centre


Also, come 18 November, we'll have Kheng Hua (July 08) and her hubby Yu Beng + 2 teenagers come in to talk about "It's My Life!" teen musical. We'll be chatting about the teenagers' journeys of self-discovery as well the preparation that went into this very unusual and very "real" production. Should be a fun chat cos these are wonderful people to simply have a conversation with!

Just a heads-up for all of you lah. Our Vanilla cover girls still rock!

And Karen Tan... oi... welcome to Vanilla Survivors. Glad you are blogging with us. I miss your Pinch of Salt column. Always made me laugh and laugh! Especially the cross-stitching one, and the National Day "When I grow up" one. Hilarious!

Where is Ee Weun? Can we invite our food columnist to come blog here too? *wink*

I just started reading the news on air today. Seriously, It's sight-reading. They shove the print-out into your hands just seconds before you go on air! *faint* I have a new respect now for news presenters...

Tell Me Lies

Today, I heard an ELLE staffer say "Real women don't shoot well."

Boy did THAT bring back a whole download of memories.

At ELLE, we were taught "Real people are UGLY." "We don't shoot real women unless they are celebrities." That was so ingrained in me that when I left ELLE, it took me a long time to get back to "normal".

A loooong time. It was a good 5 years before I came to Vanilla, and wasn't Vanilla just the anti-thesis of that ELLE adage!

Last week Fongfan (Vanilla's beloved executive stylist who can make Minnie Mouse look like Gisele Bundchen) came to visit and she gave me a hug. Boy, I missed Vanilla more in that single moment than in all the 5 weeks that have passed. Can you believe it's been 5 weeks since Vanilla died?

Real women - we are beautiful. We can be fashionable, we can be stylish. And as Fongfan has proven, we can shoot well - more than well! Look at all the beautiful real women who graced our fashion pages and our covers! Think of Grace Park from our March 2008 issue - who had everyone saying "Hey who is she? Is she a Korean superstar?"

That real women are lesser than 7-foot amazonians like Gisele, is a TOTAL and ABSOLUTE LIE. I'm sorry, that poor ELLE girl probably doesn't know it, she's just repeating a fascist truism that has been put into her brainwash spin cycle. I know, I've been there. But to say that real women don't photograph well, is just untrue.

I've put the Dove Girls up here - two of them tied together would make the height of Gisele. Now tell me, who's the freak, haha! (I love Gisele - don't get me wrong. I think she is so unfussed by her own celebrity that she really is a real woman who decided to humour the world.)

Don't mean to vent - just that I had an ELLE moment, know what I mean? :)

Back to normal now, back to normal.

...wah finally...

hullo Mana Vanillas!!

i asked Threez to let me write on this blog (my first contribution ever, in my entire life...) ages ago, but for the longest time, i really didn't know how to do it. i just forgot my password, which is the same password i use for everything but for some reason...

every once in a while, i shock myself by thinking that i missed the deadline for my article again. then i remember i no longer have one. 

sucks.

but you guys are terrific, just moving on and getting on with it. me...still cross stitching hahaha, but this time, it's something for me.

i loved writing for Vanilla cos it made me feel part of some people's lives in a normal way, not in the usual unreal setting of the theatre, where i'm always someone i'm not.

it's true, the Vanilla ice-cream did melt, but as they say, though, there's more flavours at the creamery...

thank you for letting me in here...

love

Karen

ps: Threez...Lydia Look played my daughter once...she was 18 and had to play 9...whatever...

Vanilla cover girls are meeting up tomorrow...

It's a lazy Sunday morning and I'm back from my morning shift (6am to 10am) on radio. Yes, I work on weekends now, and get just one weekend completely off per month. On these work days, I'm up at 4.45am... zzz. So girls, count yourselves lucky!

I still see Vanilla on the newsstands and it saddens me that very soon, we won't find them anymore. So whenever I see one, I still buy a copy. For old time's sake. Did you know that circulation recycles unsold magazines after 6 months? So copies of Vanilla older then 6 months can't be retrieved anymore... like FOREVER. *gasp*



Anyway, the Vanilla cover girls are meeting tomorrow evening for a potluck dinner! Yay! Grace Park has opened her home to us all, and I'm really looking forward to it cos it's at Keppel Bay, and she just moved in to a ground-floor unit with a patio. I hope we get a cool balmy evening, so that we can all sit outdoors! *grin*

Ros and Yu Seung are still in South Africa ~ doing Enduro Africa. Have you checked out their blog lately? It's linked to ours and they've been updating regularly. There are pictures posted too! They look like they are having fun. I am so proud of them! No pictures yet of Princes William & Harry though... *pout* Rosalind Ng! If you are reading this.............

Anyway, I'll take lots of pictures at our Vanilla cover girls gathering tomorrow and post them up on this blog. So watch out for it!!! Girls, if you wanna join us, please come. We can meet up and go together ~ will be fun to catch up with these amazing women once again! *beams*

Have a great Sunday & long weekend! Happy Deepaval! *wink*

Obama For Yo Mama

I first saw this T-shirt on my boss. She also had one that read "Hillary is my Homegirl".

Frankly I'm dismayed at the way the trunk is trundling towards what looks like an inevitable SlamBam. Okay - I get that McCain is that that unsavoury Uncle who's always looking for an argument. So I guess, at least if the POTUS is a suave guy who appears to be hip, calm and cool (hence has a better temperament for solving problems without pushing the red button every time?) that might be a good thing for us right now ... when it looks like the end of the world, as far as the economy is concerned.

I hear some Republican Christians are calling Obama the Anti-Christ. Maybe because his name rhymes with Osama.

In any case, any entertainment -- including a tongue fight between an Uncle and a cosmopolitan black dude who wouldn't look amiss in a Prada suit -- is welcome these days.

No Time To Bleurrgh

I'm missing my, missing my Vanilla ice...

Pam is wondering where all us sorry Publishing people have gone. Woman, not everyone has a glam job like yours, okay?! :)

My past week has been spent working for two sets of clients: one, the advertisers (some nice, some nasty). Two, the editorial teams at MPB.

The editors are lovely - but stretched. Don't I know how it feels. Everyone pulls their weight - more than their weight.

Sales are working their bums off. But (can I say this in public) sometimes not very efficiently because everyone's after the same piece of meat (no wonder my Vanilla ice cream melted). Dessert comes after the main meal, after all.

I love them all - I know everyone here wants this to work. There are people here who can well afford not to work - they're doing it because they love the magazines. And if the structure weren't so messed up -- we should actually be moving forward and not running on the spot!

Me... I'm missing Jenn (she's on holiday in Melbourne - bless her). I miss Pam and her "Eh Threez" followed by some incredible you'll-never-pull-it-off idea that she proceeds to pull off. I miss Shaan and Ad - even though they are a 1-min walk away from my desk. I miss Alvin, even though I'm on his back daily about mockups for XYZ clients. I just miss our team - our little Vanilla corner of the world.

Bright spark of the day: Lydia Look comes to visit!!

We featured Lydia as one of our global girls from Singapore - she lives in Hollywood, married to a Taiwanese American stuntman (who sat in our Osim chair for a while as she chatted with me). Lydia's passing through Singers to Taiwan for a family thing, and then off back to LA. She's just done a guest role in Bones, and she's wrapping up post production for Wendy Wu 2! So honoured to have someone so famous in my little roadside office...

Okay it's back to the grind. Thinking up ideas for clients. Finding ways to skirt around tricky issues. Writing advertorial copy.

Bleurggh.

Hullo? Hullo?

Hey girls, how come so quiet? I've been back in our blog a few times and keep seeing that "urgh" photo Threez posted of me. Quick write! So that the photo will disappear down, down, down the page.......

Are you all very busy these days? You don't know how much I'd love to hear what you've been up to in your little corners of the world. I miss you all..... Hope to catch you at media events some time. Please write!!!

Anyone going for MediaCorp D&D next Tuesday? I'll be there.....

Living Room Scribbles

I'm having so much fun with this blog thing that Stanley and I have also decided to start our own blog for The Living Room on 938LIVE.

Like Vanilla, we get a fair share of fascinating people on our programme. I've learnt so much from them, and wish I could share my experiences and reflections somehow. If not, like wasted lor!

So Stanley suggested we blog, and I thought "Yeah! Cool!" If you have time, come visit our new baby, "Living Room Scribbles", at livingroomscribbles.blogspot.com.

Check out the New Glam Pam!

Look who came to visit us ordinary folks at Publishing today! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: GLAM PAM!

Seriously, girl, you should dress up like this every day. You're hotter than Jean Danker and Jamie Yeo put together! Phooooowaaarrr!

Me and Mr Jones

Last night, my fave Mr Jones (the Grocer) turned one and he threw a major birthday bash. I brought my friend, who is nuts about Jones too (the cheese room is her must-go-to-without-fail-everytime-she's-there corner). Obviously, she was super thrilled when she found they were dishing out Beaufort and parmesan-- paired with honey truffle oil (which is like yumm-meeeeee; $59.50 for a large bottle) and crackers and fresh cranberries-- as part of the tapas selection. We were permanently parked where the cheeses were practically the whole night! I couldn't move her cheese, or rather I couldn't move her away from her cheese.

We're going Down-under! Can't get any more Aussie than this.

The highlight of the night was the auction, which raised about S$40,000 (don't quote me on this because I had a bubbly, a martini and half a bottle of pale ale on an empty stomach when all of it was going on) for Jones' adopted charity, the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

So it wasn't only a roomful of party-goers who went home merry and contented; so would the three kids whose wishes--to party with Dora and Barney, to visit Hello Kitty Land in Tokyo and to have a MacBook computer to hone his design talents-- were granted. So kudos and shout out to Amanda Osbourne (thanks for inviting the Vanilla team!) and Bruce Chapman. It was really nice to finally meet you both. :)

And in case you're heading down to the store anytime soon, I hear there are some fantastic Christmas coffrets you can get. The prices range from $72 to $480. Though from their names, seems to me you don't have to use xmas as an excuse to get 'em (read: Cheese Lover's Delight, Jones BBQ, Chef's Selection, Weekend Picnic etc.)

My personal fave is the Platinum hamper because it's jam-packed (no pun intended) with triple berry jam and awesome buncha treats like Prestat champage truffles, sicilian choco biscuits, white truffle glaze and a Babero Hard Torrone-- great for any truffle-chocoholic. You can email dempseyhill@jonesthegrocer.com or call 64761512 to find out more.

Meanwhile, have a good weekend!

Sponsor a teen girl to watch a teen play!

Remember July cover girls Valerie & Kheng Hua shared about their upcoming teen musical "It's My Life!"? Well, time flies man and tickets are already on sale ~ through Gratecrash (www.gatecrash.com.sg).

Musical debuts 27 Nov, and the Vanilla cover girls are thinking of going together cos there's a group discount if we can get 10 pax. So far, we have 6. Anyone interested to go? [Followers of this blog can also join us! You're most welcomed!]

Val & Kheng will meet us after the musical, so I think it will be fun! We can all have supper together nearby! =P

Anyway, Hai-Yen is thinking of bringing the teen girls from Andrew & Grace Home (www.aghome.org.sg) to watch the musical, and we thought it might be a good idea to "sponsor" a girl each. Group discounted ticket costs only $21.

Anyone keen to join me to sponsor a teen girl to watch the play? :) I think it will be a very moving & powerful experience for them... and it may even open possibilities for them. Who knows?

"It's My Life!" is done entirely by teens and for teens. And the amazing thing is that the kids share their own real-life personal stories, struggles, hopes, fears, dreams... through song. I think Corrinne May contributed a song too! ;P



So if you'd like to (1) go watch the musical, (2) sponsor a teen girl from Andrew & Grace Home, or (3) both..... let me know. I will gladly help coordinate.

I think it will be fun if we ALL went together! :D A Vanilla outing... Shall we? Shall we? Followers of this blog are welcomed too!

A Sleepy Lunch and Fresh-Baked Bread

Yesterday Jenn, Lindy, Adlena and I decided that the food at Techpoint was just too daggy.

I decided to drive us out to an old, old eating spot my former colleagues at Female (waaaaay back when it was still published by MPH and our office was in Tagore) introduced to me in 1997. It's called Salt & Pepper Cafe and it's situated at the Singapore Teacher's Union building in Teacher's Estate.

Amazingly, it was not only open, it was packed! The old aunty who used to take orders wasn't there anymore but there was the younger lady who was either her daughter or daughter in law.

We sat down and she flittered over and said, "What do you want? What do you want?" and we were like, "Um... one hor fun... does anyone wants mee goreng?"

"Excuse me can you hurry up? Got other customers!" she said.

Jenn's face was a picture of shock and Lindy looked like she couldn't believe her ears. We wound up ordering:

1 x hor fun ("You must say seafood or beef!")
1 x mee goreng ("Eh, if you're sharing you must say or else I give wrongly!")
1 x mixed veg ("You want to try our yong tau fu?")
4 x chicken wings
1 x seafood ngor hiang ("Get one seafood ngor hiang lah!")
1 x egg fuyong

It was too much food, maaaan. We were eating fit to burst. But the bill only came up to $41.

After that, we drove to this traditional bakery on Kalidasa Road - they still make the good old "skinless" loti that we all grew up with. The mere scent of fresh-baked bread tugged at my car wheels till we were parked just outside and bread fiend Adlena was the first one there asking for her "skin-on" loti. We each bought a loaf (except Lindy) and I added one pandan "ice-cream" loaf.

Damage:
1 huge, feed-family-of-8 loaf = $1.80
1 pandan loaf = $.90

Jenn is now saying I'm making her hungry ... Where shall we go for lunch today??

Vanilla clinches 2 Journalism Awards!!!

GREAT NEWS!!!

Although Vanilla is shut down, it is still not forgotten. We are still winning Awards for our stories! :D



For Apr-Jun quarter, we won:
1. Story of the Month (Apr 08) ~ "Woman, Save the Earth" (Earth Day feature)
2. Creative Series of the Month (Jun 08) ~ "Fighting Fit" (Dee Dee's cover story).

Thanks Joel & Fongfan!!! :-* If you're reading this, I so miss working with you two on the cover shoots. I cannot believe I will never, ever get to do that again... *sob* We were just starting to have fun, weren't we? :(

I was down at Publishing today to settle some stuff. The office felt so different without all of you around. It's like the place is familiar, yet foreign. Like a dream gone wrong.

Anyway, I dropped off some dark chocolate with whole cherries & brandy, and chocolate marshmallows for you. They are with my chocolate buddy, Diane. Pick 'em up from her tomorrow, OK? [Diane - thanks for the caramel chocolate fix!] =P~

Miss you all so much.......... let's meet up SOON.

Contest answers

Drumroll please....

1 - Cas
2 - Theresa
3 - Pam
4 - Ad
5 - Shaan
6 - Jenn

So, was William spot on? :p The debate begins now. And most importantly, who got the most answers right? Come claim your bottle of bangkit from me!!! Congratulations:)

Desperately Seeking... Writing

It's funny. Now that writing is "taken away" from me, I feel the sudden compulsion to write - about everything.

Other than contributing to this blog, and starting my own personal blog, I've started to keep a journal again.

I carry this red journal in my bag everywhere I go - like in the old days - and if I have a few moments, I write.



I used to journal regularly for years. Well, until I became a full-time writer. Then it stopped. But now that I've stopped writing, the journalling has come back.

It tells me one thing: Writing is, and always will be, my natural choice for self-expression.

If there is anything I want to say, to put out there, it flows most naturally through the written word. And somehow, writing will find a way to bob up to the surface, even if I try to press it down like a beach ball in an ocean.

So what does it say about me being a... er, radio presenter then??? Hmm.

Don't forget me if you have interesting story ideas or writing projects... I will write for FREE.

Is Sarah Palin a Vanilla Woman?

I know I'll probably be shot, grilled and eaten in strips for saying this but I love Sarah Palin. I'm not sure she's as sincere as she ought to be and yeah, she's definitely big on the power trip thing but she is 44, she is smart, and she is nowhere as dodgy as Obama. Oh and she has a VERY VERY cute baby. Sorry, I'm an emotional voter.

If Vanilla existed, we'd definitely be running a story on her!

Watch her ping-ponging barbs and bites with Joe "Old Guy" Biden here.

Happy (belated) Children's Day

Whose writing is it anyway?

***UPDATES (as on 3 Oct, 530pm): Wow, a very enthused response, I like. As such, I'd like to extend deadline to 5 Oct, Sunday, 6pm. Besides, yours truly won't have access to her comp nor internet over the weekend, so you've got more time to response! Have a good one folks.-- @

Ooh... I'm writing the first entry for October. :)

I wanted to share this with the team but completely forgot, no thanks to all the craziness of the past weeks.

OK. About a month ago, I took the liberty to get the Vanilla-iens handwriting analysed by an expert. It was supposed to be part of Nov issue's "Useful Last Page" but since that won't happen, I thought it'd be fun to share the "findings" here. It makes for a good insight (maybe) to the Vanilla-iens, and a chance to create some kinda reader participation-- if you (like to) believe in this stuff :)

Ok, Shaan, Jenn and Cas wrote a couple of lines for me but others were based on some rough notes (Theresa) and what Pam wrote on her x’mas card (last year) to me. The expert was Mr William Pang, handwriting forensics scientist who was at a Faber Castell event I went to (with Shaan) at Elephant & Coral at Wheelock Place.

He was very helpful, and super patient-- I say that because the moment the PR person announced we could all get our handwriting analysed by him, a loooooooooongggggg queue immediately snaked and I was the last few with SIX sets of handwritings for him to analyse at one go!!! I learned a lot from him. William's the go-to guy when the courts need someone to detect forgery in documents etc and has recently published a book on the subject (which alas is sold out, so contact him if you want to know how to get your hands on a copy). For more about William and what he does, check out http://www.graphology.gq.nu/

So... here's how I'm fun-ning it up for Theresa, Pam, Cass, Jenn and Shaan: Instead of telling you straight up which is yours, guess which's actually describing you! It's all verbatim to what William said. Or, you can also guess which describes who. Shaan, you already know yours, so shhhhh…Sorry ah Alvin, missed you out 'cause I was in a hurry and couldn't find any doodles you made and you weren't in the office at the time!)

**Contest closes on 3 Oct, Friday, 11.59pm Singapore time. Submit your answers through "comments". Readers/ followers are welcomed to participate... for fun!

p.s. Any resemblance to any persons or situations, past or present is merely coincidence or a cruel joke disguised as a coincidence.

==========

1. Thrives on systems/ methods to do work. Good sense of concentration. Friendly but needs a lot of personal and emotional space. Decision-making is not based on logic alone, but also on experiences and gut feel. Best job: admin/ training/ HR/ accounts.
2. Sensitive personality, usually affected by mood changes. Opportunistic in many ways, not patient to the non-essential, talkative to like-minded people. Needs to be prepared to listen more.
3. She's most comfortable when she knows what she's doing. Instructions given to her must be clear. She likes things to be secure-- no surprises. The mind matters over the heart; if something needs to be done, it needs/ will be done. A lot of artistic talent and appreciates the arts. She'd rather settle conflicts with tact rather than fight, is physically active, cannot sit still or just wait for things to happen. Is persistent, determined and critical at times. A one-way traffic type of person who has a generally formal nature.
4. Appears to be discipline about things she does. Comprehensive thinker, learns quickly. Good in communication. Strongest traits: analytical and investigative. An ambitious person who dares to take a fair amount of risk.
5. Fairly easy-going person who is definitely socially active though selective (to certain people). Decisions are made by intuition although routine work is acceptable, she'd like an amount of variety instead of just bekng glued to the table e.g. some hours in the office, some outside. A bit of a sensitive person who will not survive well in hard-selling/ high-pressure jobs.
6. The way she thinks is clean cut, likes a simplified lifestyle. She hates non-essentials and gets irritated quickly. She needs a lot of independence and will be the happriest if given a chance to express creativity. She doesn't like to be told more than once. She ensures that responsibilities are met and is non-negotiable in her final decisions.

A new beginning at 938LIVE...

Today is my second day at 938LIVE. Although I feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to learn, I'm thankful that my new colleagues are really nice. And I have a great on-air buddy, Stanley.

It was a real eye-opener for me sit behind the "control panel". OK, I don't know what it's called, but it looks like an airplane cockpit. Here's the view from where I sit...



Can you believe I'll have to operate this contraption BY MYSELF soon? *faint* I can't even begin to explain to you what I have to do to switch from this to that to this to that.... and you know how tech-unsavvy I am!

The Living Room does about 2-3 interviews a day, so I will still get to meet all sorts of interesting people. But can you imagine the number of interviews we have to schedule? It's like 10-15 a week, almost 60 a month! :o

Stanley is really good at putting people at ease! He keeps the studio spick and span between interviews, and cares enough to make sure the interviewees have "warm" water to drink (apparently it calms them down!). He is also very patient teaching me. SIGH. I'm like learn yesterday, today forget already lor! :(

Here's a picture of the area around my desk:



My desk is the one on the right, with the packet of half-eaten Malay food on it. Yes, the people at 938LIVE also tabao from canteen and makan at their desks! :P

Sitting to my left (in white shirt) is Stanley -- look at his messy desk! He can't even eat his lunch there cos he only has one small, small space to move his computer mouse around! :o

The pretty lady in red is Casandra - she hosts Body and Soul - with the "blue blur" (in the pic) beside her, Daniel Martin. Melanie Oliveiro and Eugene Loh sit in front of me, on the other side.

It's a small cosy office. And since everyone takes turns going on air, the whole team is hardly around at the same time. But there is always friendly banter and laughter flying around. The vibes are very positive -- and that's most important to me.

I've got a nickname -- first thing in the morning already kena. :(

Because the office is so small and quiet in the mornings, everyone can hear everyone else typing on the computer keyboards. So here I was replying my email... tip-tapping away furiously... when Stanley looks up and says, "You can always tell when someone is from Publishing. They type like this lor..."

Daniel says it's like I'm killing my keyboard. And so my nickname now is Keyboard Killer. :(

As for the work........ let's just say it's a VERY STEEP learning curve for me. So many technical things I have to learn! I seriously think you need an engineering degree to be in radio. :P And that's just technical........

But I thank God for this opportunity.

There are Vanilla fans in CBC who come up to me to ask why Vanilla closed down, and how I'm coping. I tell them the truth: "I'm still grieving".

My chocolate buddy Diane sent me some Ferrero Rocher today. It arrived in the mail and when I read the note, I almost cried. It brought back a WAVE of memories of Publishing. Guys, I miss you!

But don't worry about me. I'm doing OK in radio and am enjoying the new adventure! As a dear friend would say, "All is good".

Missing you all, and wishing we can meet up again soon. Don't forget me!!!

"Is There Anything We Can Do To Reverse This Decision?"

This letter arrived in my inbox yesterday. It really touched me. Liz, I hope you received my email — hope to see you here on our blogsite.

"Dear Theresa

I read with great dismay the news that your Oct issue of Vanilla will be the final one.

I actually did not believe my eyes when I first saw the little pick tag on the top right hand corner of the magazine and hastily turned to the editorial page to confirm my worst fears.

Did I miss reading something in the previous issue that led to this?

I am sure you are/will be receiving similar letters with the same note of surprise.

It's a real shame. Is there anything we readers could do to overcome it? Is it a lack of funding or a change in corporate directives?

I will miss reading your wonderful magazine and really need some closure to the big question in my head.

Look forward to hearing from you and do let us know if there is anything we can do to reverse this decision!

Best Regards

Mrs Liz Thong"

For every $500, you gotta pay $110 more.

With this piece of news, I guess my Useful Last Page, "How To Save Your Electricity Bills" (Vanilla April'08 issue) really comes in useful now.

I'm sorta glad I could help. Ha!

And if next month's bill from Singapore Power is gonna bum you out (which I'm sure it's gonna be, who wouldn't, that's one heck-a-lot of an increment!!! Thank goodness I haven't had to pay any... YET), you can try watching this to cheer you up... a bit. It never fails to make me laugh although I've watched it for the umpteenth time.

One last thing, to all our Muslim friends out there: Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir Batin. Man, this Ramadan surely zipped by.

Casandra Speaks!

I joined Vanilla in Feb and initially, I had tonnes of worries like what if the team was like mean? What if I did a terrible job? Had many what-if this and that going through my mind.

Vanilla as my first-full time job, I'm just so lucky.
I don't regret a single day getting to know six amazing team members over the past 9 months.

Shaan - Like I told you before, its so much fun turning around and having those random gossips and chatter about crappy things. From the fat dude who wears the hula grass skirt to like a certain someone going back to India to get married! Well, now it's YOUR turn to get married. (I told you so!)

Adlena - Adlena Wong! Always giving Shaan and I THE FACE. Yea lah, you too cool for our lame jokes. HAHA! Hmmm, well, you're the first person I've met that eats pineapple with that grey powder! Anyway, I really really hope you can start running again! And don't worry about that certain someone you might have to sit next to. Just give her THE FACE. Hehh!

Theresa - You are the nicest and sweetest boss ever. Always helping us out and protecting us. Thanks for all your help when it came to you-know-who. I really really (x100) appreciate it. :)

Pam - I will never forget the time when you spoilt my birthday surprise! I can still remember you saying very loudly, "Shaan!? Why are you waiting for me in the TV room?"
Whenever I think back about it, it makes me smile. Pam, you make me smile! :)

Jenn - You can make me laugh and cry (its a good thing). You make me laugh at the things you say (jokes, lame stuff, normal talk) and cry automatically whenever you pray for me.

Alvin - the only guy in the team! Hearing you crack a joke or two is like, "wow! Alvin is being lame!" I wish you all the best in your new job posting!

Yummy Bakes and my Fave Food Writer...

Today I found myself thinking of a story angle for food - "reinventing Polar Cafe". 

My cousin Erlich makes the most terribly wickedest confections in the WHOLE WORLD (to fake a phrase from Lola & Charlie) and I think the Fullerton and the Ritz should either hire him or buy their pastries from him. (The photo here is of his famous Chocolate Caib, only 100,000 calories per slice)

One of his top bakes (apart from his awesome Apple Crumble and like, 50 flavours of muffins) is a perfect chocolate Swiss roll. The roll itself is like cloud fluff, and melts in the mouth, yet is firm. But the kicker is the layer of better-than-Valrhona chocolate that is rolled with the cake layer. Angels would sell their wings for a bite of this.

So it started me thinking, as I used to, about what a great column this would make. Reinventing Polar Cafe: How to do the Sugar Roll, Curry Puff and Hot Dog Roll the Vanilla way. I would be able to think these thoughts because I know if I just called or emailed our Vanilla food writer Sim Ee Waun, she would TOTALLY know what I'm talking about, and do a 200% better job than I would have imagined.

Ee Waun's got a funny food story for EVERY occasion, and I love that her solution for the world's woes is a lychee martini (hey, Ee Waun, we are very sad here, how about mixing us a pitcher, extra lychees please?).  Ee Waun is 40 and a certified Sexy Dame. Her columns are laced with mission school propriety mixed with a winky-wink cheekiness that I just love.

Ee Waun, please do continue to contribute right here - any of your weird recipes are welcome but more so your quirky food stories. Your column is one of the major things I'll miss most about Vanilla, so do keep giving me a fix okay? :)

PS I'll see if I can steal Erlich's recipe to post here. But in case I've made you hungry, you can find his stall called Opus Deli at Lau Pa Sat. His website to keep you drooling: www.opusdeli.com (he's Catholic - can you tell? :D)

They tried to make me go but I said "No, no, no!"

Well, that was the reaction I had (minus the Amy Winehouse-esque melodrama, quietly in my head, of course) when I heard the words, "we did a review and decided to close 4 magazines... including Vanilla", coming out of our MD's mouth. That was on 16 Sep-- a day or two after the news announced Lehman Brothers had gone bust. I think I can empathise with the shock and disappointment those guys probably experienced.

Everything from start to end's still fresh in my mind though.

Just slightly over a year ago, I picked up my first copy of Vanilla outside of TCC at Paradiz Centre after a cuppa coffee (ahh, the coffee that connects us all to Vanilla) with an ex-colleague. I read it and thought, wow, would be awesome to be able to write for this mag.

The next thing I knew, I was surfing the Mediacorp job site wishing and hoping for an opening (I saw there was only Pam and Stephanie (then senior ed) on the editorial team staff list and thought, hey they need a writer... like me!). There was an opening! The job description for the magazine was like a give-away, VV :). I took a long shot and emailed my resume directly to Stephanie. The next day she replied, "Yes, Vanilla's looking for a writer. I'll forward your application to HR." I was elated.

To cut the story short, I got my dream job. Being part of Vanilla is the first step to my field of dreams in magazine journalism.

For the past 15 months, I must say that going to work at Vanilla is like... brushing my teeth: I do it willingly, automatically, zealously every morning; it's something so simple yet meaningful and it's an oh-so-good a habit to have and keep!

Plus, I'm not sure where else in a workplace I could sneak out during lunch time to swim some laps at the nearby YCK pool without getting strange stares or shocking reactions like I have not (ok, maybe sometimes from Azmin, our ex-ed assistant who sat beside me; only she knew my lunch-time indulgences. Now you do too!) at Vanilla.

I also remember how Pam and I dropped our work and drove all the way to Empress Place to take part in an (impromptu) race last year! Of course I thought, my asst ed is nuts! But as a newbie, I just went along with it... plus I love running. It's my heart and soul. That's why it's a double blow for me when Vanilla closed. I just lost my ability to run (temporarily I hope) after my bunion surgery 3 months ago and now I can't write for Vanilla. Boohoo.

From the beginning I could see myself as a Vanilla-ien for light years to come, no kidding. It could've been a platform for me to prove to myself and my friends that "youngsters these days" (I was the youngest in the team until Cas, our ed asst and designer Jenn came along) can too stick to a job like our parents stuck to their jobs for decades. But that's not to be.

Nonetheless, I (as my fellow Vanilla-iens) see this as "when a door closes, another door opens" kinda situation. It has been so far; I'll be honing beauty journalism in Style:. I think it'll be another awesome (albeit different) experience so wish me luck!

A Stroke of Insight

I studied Psychology for 6 years, and I remember being fascinated by how the human brain works -- the actual physical brain.

When my friend Adrian (he's this really smart guy doing his PhD) pointed me to this website www.TED.com, I checked it out cos to be honest, it was a boring Saturday afternoon and I had nothing better to do.

But TED is this amazing website that features inspiring speakers in various fields, sharing ideas that are... well, worth sharing!

Anyway, I chanced upon this woman psychiatrist called Jill Bolte Taylor who - at the age of 37 - suffered a stroke.

Imagine, a brain scientist who had a chance to study the phenomenon from the "inside", and recount the experience step by step. Compelling!

The best part is that Jill is very expressive, funny, and in touch with her emotions in a very "Mother Nature" sort of way. So she would re-enact the whole experience in vivid detail. I have to tell you -- she made me laugh and cry!

Why I am blogging about this?

Because at the end, it's about her discovery of what humans are capable of in creating a better world. And in my book, that's "VV". [refer to Threez's code]

So without spoiling the fun for you, here's the link: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

Enjoy!

Elmo & Chris Brown See the Signs

My little baby Becca LURVES this video. I thought I'd just share with you what has been cheering both Bec and me up... :) ENJOY!

(check out Elmo's dancing!)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpxw0iCP4q4

THE VANILLA CODE

When I started working at Vanilla - 23 November 2007 to be exact - I realised that there is a particular DNA to the Vanilla woman and all she believes in -- body, mind and spirit. 

One of the most fun parts of putting each month's Vanilla together was talking about the women we were going to feature. 

Pam and I came up with a code that would help us to sort of talk about people and personalities without offending anyone (external) listening:

VV = Very Vanilla. This would apply to all our cover girls - they each embody a sense of love, integrity, selflessness that was the antithesis of the "me myself and I" spirit that women are commonly encouraged to have ("you better look out for yourself", "Marry someone who loves you more than you love him", "Of course you should divorce your husband - the other guy is a much better catch and after all, your husband is boring.") I loved that we never failed to find our VV girls -- who were never about themselves, but others.

QV = Quite Vanilla. A woman who embodies some of the key qualities of a Vanilla woman but needed more "checking out" before we could decide if we should feature her :)

NVV = Not Very Vanilla. Some women who wanted to be featured in Vanilla but lacked essential qualities. However, sometimes these women had some redeeming qualities and so we put them in our KIV basket for future consideration.

VNV = Very Not Vanilla. This is the extreme - the "devil who wears Prada" as it were. This is the woman who could not care less if orphans ate rats tails for breakfast as long as her new bikini does not make her look fat. Fortunately we did not come across many -- though there were a few who outright asked us if we wanted to put them on the cover and we politely said no.

I know it sounds a bit NVV to even have a code but I guess we just had to make decisions. Though Pam did tell me sometimes that people deserve a second chance... Well, I guess given Vanilla's short shelf-life we never had that luxury, but it would have been interesting if we could have talked about women who totally turned over a new leaf... now that would have been a great Vanilla feature...

Saying Goodbye

Someone once told me that life is cyclical - sometimes you're way up top, and other times, you find yourself right at the bottom. The bright side of being at the bottom (yes, there is a bright side) is that, as Yazz sang in the 80s, the only way is up.

I was at an all time high exactly two weeks ago to the day. I was four days into my surprise trip to France, in a tiny town which wasn't even on the map, in the Champagne region of the country - being proposed to under a million stars during a midnight stroll. The days that followed were filled with blue skies, swimming in pristine waters in St. Tropez, walking along the Seine, staying in chateaus and driving along country roads with the one person I've loved for the last six years. Three days before returning home, we got robbed of everything - passports, surprise tickets to watch madonna in paris, laptop, camera with my 600 precious photos, phones, credit cards and a substantial amount of cash. But even that couldn't bring us down for long and we got immigration papers from the embassy and bought replacement tickets to watch Madonna throw the biggest party ever at the Stade de France in Paris on our last night.

What did bring me down was the last thing I expected to discover in the first hour of my first day back at work - Vanilla's end. As Theresa mentioned in her first blog entry, I could not believe it was happening, had happened all while I was away on vacation. Over the last few days, with the support of Theresa, Pam and the team who have all had a week or so to adjust to the reality, I think i'm finally there too. I finally realize that there will be other avenues, other ways of putting our message out there, and as someone really wise told me yesterday, we each have the Vanilla DNA in us, to inject into whatever work we set out to do. It won't be easy to find something I will be as passionate about and as proud of, but I know I've come out of this with amazing lifelong friends, knowing we've made a difference and fifteen issues I'll always treasure...

Goodbye, Vanilla. Je t'aime.